A Note To Santa.

That’s it, Santa. I just need to know why you are so appealing. Yes, we all love you, but why? You are an elderly, bearded obese man dressed in a white trimmed velvety red suit. Yet, you get boys and girls to dream of you all year round, and sit on your lap to spill their greatest desires in the world. You can be everywhere at once, I’ve seen you at multiple stores in one day—it’s quite impressive. Tell the people working for you to be less pushy though, they can be sort of a letdown. Bring some elves down south instead, if they’re not too busy. Anyhow, how did you know I liked philosophy and photojournalism? Those books are going to be great reads, thanks! Speaking of great reads, did you like the notes my family left you? It’s really nice of you to take the time to read them, and leave a note for us. You have much better things to do, like bringing joy to billions of other children and tending to your reindeer. That is another thing. You have reindeer. I mean seriously-- you could make a Lamborghini fly, and yet you choose to go green and ride reindeer. That’s pretty awesome, Santa. Also, I know you like to enter houses through chimneys, but unfortunately I don’t have one. Nonetheless, you manage to get inside my house without having to break a thing. You’re like some sort of professional. Oh speaking of breaking things—how do you NOT break things after drinking all the Tuaca in our fridge? That was you, right? You can drink to excess, eat millions of cookies to excess, and yet I haven’t heard of any major health problems of yours in any grocery store tabloids. And I would have seen them, I keep up with that stuff. It's fascinating! Did you hear about Martha’s darkest secrets in the National Inquirer? Great stuff, I'm serious! Anyhow, I’m jealous of your good health; I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stay healthy with a lifestyle like yours. Another thing I’ll never be able to do is live forever- how old are you again? You have sure been around for a while. If I’m not mistaken, you have been a major endorsement for Coca-Cola for a long time, too. I love Coke! Do you get paid for that? I know you’re a non-profit of sorts, but it’s alright to take a modest salary, you know? If it all goes into your North-Pole empire, I understand. It must cost a lot to keep up; especially with the economy and all. You’ve got your movies to invest in as well! I see your new films on ABC Family and in theaters every year. Who runs your film department? They sure have got a lot on their hands, yet they get it done. You know how to allocate jobs to your elves. Elves, you have elves! Little people with big ears that sure know how to use a bow in the Lord of The Rings—I wish I had some of those little guys. Come to think of it, is that where the elves went after The Battle for Middle Earth? To The North Pole? Interesting. Alright, I sort of understand your attraction to kiddos, now that I think about it. The list of why you are awesome is bottomless! Like your sack! Of toys! You can do a whole lot, man. Your “Ho’s” don’t get you in trouble like Tiger’s did; they only spread tons of joy. So, I suppose you deserve a thank you. Merry Christmas, Big Guy!